The 4 Worst Christmas Songs

Every genre of music has lots of good songs as well as its share of crud. Christmas songs, sadly, are no exception.

What makes a song good or bad is largely a matter of taste, but not entirely. There are some qualities of a piece of music, especially music with lyrics, that make them objectively good or bad at least to some degree.

If the lyrics of such songs are simply not true, that makes a song bad. If they are terribly inappropriate for their setting, that makes the song bad. If they obviously have been changed from the original text for no obvious reason without making the lyrics better, then the change has made them worse.

With those premises in place, I offer to you the 4 worst Christmas songs of which I know. I’m sure I could have come up with more (and please do) if I had thought longer about this, but it wasn’t worth investing any more time into this project after these titles almost immediately popped into my head.

One additional sad note before getting to the songs themselves: I heard 3 of these songs on the same radio station today after listening for only about half an hour. Said station did redeem itself somewhat by also playing a Bing Crosby tune about figgy pudding, a Nat King Cole ditty about roasting chestnuts, and the only Trans-Siberian Orchestra instrumental that anyone knows - you know, the one that’s a mashup of God Rest Ye and Hark, How the Bells.

Song #1: Santa Baby

Eartha, you really shouldn’t have. This song is so inappropriate in so many ways for Christmastime that it’s hardly worth enumerating the reasons. So I won’t. On the off chance that you’ve never heard it or actually listened to it, here are the lyrics. Read them quickly. They’re not worth a lot of your time.

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree for me
Been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an auto space convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be also good
If you'll check off my Christmas list

Santa honey, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot
Been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks
Sign your 'x' on the line
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry, tonight

Song #2: Last Christmas

Wham, you really shouldn’t have. This is not a Christmas song. It’s a love song that just happens to take place at Christmas. I’ve left out the repeated chori.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby
Do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year
It doesn't surprise me
(Merry Christmas!) I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, "I love you, " I meant it
Now, I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice
My god, I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now, I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore him apart
Maybe next year I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special

Song #3: Here Comes Santa Claus

I’m not telling you not to incorporate Santa Claus into your children’s Christmas. That’s your call. The problem with this song is that the justification for including him just isn’t true. Here are the offending lines.

“Santa Claus knows we're all God’s children
That makes everything right.”

No, that doesn’t make everything right. In the first place, Santa doesn’t exist, so how could he know who we are? If he did exist (today), we know he’s still not the one giving the presents, so saying that he does is a lie. How can that be “right”?

All of that is most obvious to any adult, but I state it here to be blatantly obvious. Obvz.

Here comes Santa Claus,

Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer
Pullin' on the reins
Bells are ringin', children singin'
All is merry and bright
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,

Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
He's got a bag that's filled with toys
For boys and girls again
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
Oh what a beautiful sight
So jump in bed and cover your head
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,

Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
He doesn't care if you're rich or poor
He loves you just the same
Santa Claus knows we're all God’s children
That makes everything right
So fill your hearts with Christmas cheer
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,

Here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus lane
He'll come around when the chimes ring out
That it's Christmas morn again
Peace on earth will come to all
If we just follow the light
So let’s give thanks to the lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight!

Song #4: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Amy Grant used to sing pretty good songs. About 10 years ago, she (or someone writing for her) came up with this version of Hark! The Herald. What was wrong with the original?! Why did you change the last two lines of each verse, essentially eliminating the chorus? Why did you rearrange the lines of verses 2, 3, and 4 (The last two lines of this version are actually the beginning of verse 4.) into a jumble that just barely makes sense? You should have left good enough alone.

Hark! The herald angels sing
Glory to the newborn King
Peace on earth and mercy mild
God and sinners reconciled
Joyful all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem
With angelic hosts proclaim
Christ is born in Bethlehem

Mild He lays His glory by
Born that man no more may die
Born to raise the sons of Earth
Born to give them second birth
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate deity
Pleased as man with men to dwell
Jesus our Immanuel
Pleased as man with men to dwell
Jesus our Immanuel

Hail the heaven born Prince of Peace
Hail the Son of righteousness
Light and life to all He brings
Risen with healing in His wings
Christ by highest heaven adored
Christ the everlasting Lord
Come desire of nations come
Fix in us Thy humble home

If you’ve got more tunes that could top or equal these for badness, please add your suggestions below. Just the title will be enough. (I've thought of at least two more while working on this, but I'll leave them up to you to add.)